Day of the Turbocharger

This is my first eBay purchase. Yes, I've been using the internet regularly since 1993 but somehow I've never had any need for tat-bay so far (probably because there's no porn on it). The seller seemed honest though (hello Jon, if you're reading this), and anybody who knows enough things about stuff to write books is OK in my eyes. I realise I could have got 'at least 45bhp' by buying a £14.99 resistor from Burberry_Dave_101, but I like a challenge.
I've actually retired the 5 today, it's going in the garage until next March. The battery is completely shot now and I'm tired of recruiting members of the public to give me a push (I recommend hoodie youths incidentally, they have an excellent power-to-weight ratio). The handling is simply broken, and it has numerous other issues that I can't be bothered to fix right now. I'm going to be working in London a lot during the next 3 months anyway, and the railway station car park isn't the place for little cars with leaky roofs and Mickey-Mouse door locks. So it's the return of the Mighty Beirut Taxi with immediate effect!