Eunos Chump

... it's just a silly phase I'm going through.   Bought a complete set of new seats for the XJ on Saturday, just £70 and in much better nick than mine.  However, I reckon the seat backs can be swapped so I plan to create a lovely drivers seat by mixing and matching parts. Old drivers seat; nasty. Replacement; much better.  The rear seat back is the only original part left now.  I'm also working on repairing the cup-holder.  Originally this would open with a damped action, but as they get old the springs lose effectiveness until it shoots open with enough force to break the plastic pivot points.  I'm remaking the pivot using Chemical Metal. In other news, I have sold off my share of the Aprilia moped.  I've lost interest in track days too, so the CBR600 may be for the chop too; will see how I feel once I've endured another couple of months of winter. I was clearly too active at the weekend and now seem to have the flu.

Behold this MASSIVE car.  SEE how much longer and lower it is than the 75.  WONDER at how it can have so little interior space.  SMIRK at the rear legroom. What's that, the wing is a different shade of red?  That'll be your eyes.  This is the last great car to be made in Britain, that coachwork will last 100 years. Big fat wheels are lovely.  They ruin the ride but I forgive them. Sporty interior - yes, it's wood, but ahhh ... it's BLACK wood.  That's the sporty wood.   There's hardly anything wrong with it.  The clock doesn't work; that's a common fault.  The radio display is buggered; also common.  All the air vents have fallen apart; again, common.  The cupholder is broken; another regular failure.  The drivers seat bolster is worn; this is pretty much mandatory.  However, the headlining is not falling down!  But only 'cos it's had a new one. I discovered the tyres were all around 20psi ...

I've been like a kid waiting for Xmas all week, but finally this evening it was time to collect the XJ6. How many warning lights would appear on the way home?  How many weird noises would there be? Would it actually get me home? Thankfully it was all good - the couple selling it had all the documentation ready and had even put fuel in the car.  The 70-odd miles home were uneventful and with the exception of the steering wheel being slightly off-centre (this always really annoys me), and the digital clock not working, it was fine. It's uncannily quiet at less than 50mph.  I'm a little miffed it doesn't have cruise or fully electric seats (only up/down), it's less 'Sport' and more 'Popular Plus' - that'll be the Ford influence.  Very nice steering and very poised around bends.   I bloody love it!

I've won the Jagwaaar!  Stay tuned for the inevitable tales of woe.

Unfortunately it's all over for the 75; I drove it through a flood and it ingested a load of water.  It wasn't very deep water, but there's a problem with the intake on these cars - the 'shannon tube' rots away which has the effect of putting the intake right at the bottom of the engine bay: I didn't know about this until I buggered it up.  There's zero movement in the crank even with the plugs out, I suspect bent rods.  A LOT of water came out when I removed the air intake :( It wasn't an expensive car and it's always been one-big-bill away from the weighbridge, but it's annoying when I'd put a new MOT on it a couple of days beforehand!  I've donated it to another 75 owner on Autoshite, on the understanding he makes it disappear from my drive. Now I want a Jaaaaaaaag.  I missed out on a very cheap XJ6 'cos I was too slow (Autoshite again), but today I hoofed the VFR across many counties to look at one that's currently b...

No, I live in the post-apocalypse hell of 7 Days to Die .  I've been here weeks now, it's a horrifying yet hugely compelling survival game set after a nuclear war, in a world now overrun with zombies. I lived on top of this hardware store for quite some time, in a little wooden shack.  By day I'd ransack the nearby abandoned town, dodging zombies and living on tinned food I'd scavenged.  At night the zombies can run - I'd cower in my shack as they screamed and beat at the walls. But every 7th night it's a Blood Moon - meaning a horde of particularly aggressive dead folks turn up.  And you get bigger hordes each time. This game features real physics, so it's quite possible for buildings to collapse if sufficiently damaged, and the hordes were doing this on such a scale I was spending days shoring it up.  I had to move out of this neighbourhood. So I started on a purpose-built fortress -the terrifying Castle Lawrence ! Ideally located in...

I had to visit BRUX-ELLES (this is how is must be pronounced) on Monday.  It wasn't without trials - airport security confiscated my network cable tool ('cos it had a tiny blade), and the Ibis hotel I stayed in was rubbish (bathroom stunk of drains, room was tiny and cold, and not only had they watered down the orange juice they'd done the same to the MILK).  Plus everything seemed much more expensive because of worthless British currency. I was planning to take some photos of the charming old buildings just before leaving, but got called back to the office because the bit of kit I'd installed had broken the phone system, so here's a shot of Heathow terminal 5 instead:

This did not go well.  Team Lard failed to get the RS50 running in time (the engine had been rebuilt but has a serious water leak, and the fuel tank is buggered), so we decided yesterday to buy another bike, which we'd then sell on again.  Cue a trip to Hereford to buy a running Tomos moped. With no time to test it, we turned up at the track completely unprepared and found it was pissing out fuel.  Changing various washers didn't help, but eventually we realised the float valve was sticking. In the process of fixing this, the fuel tap snapped off... we borrowed some fuel pipe and lashed up a new feed.  The killswitch didn't work either, so we made do with a cable-tie around the HT lead. But the problems didn't end there... turns out the Tomos has a hydraulic gearbox (rather than centrifugal clutch), and it kept dropping out of gear.  And it was so slow it was actually dangerous - I did 30 mins of marshaling and saw our bike almost get rear ended a number o...

The Rover 75 has a cheerful little temperature gauge with a sunny, optimistic attitude.  He'll tell you everything is fine and dandy in engine land, right up to the point where it reaches critical mass and does a China Syndrome.  However, you can display the real temperature direct from the sensor by careful tapping of the trip reset button: With the engine running, press and hold the button After a few seconds, the number 1 will appear - tap the button to advance the number to 19 After a second or so, Test will appear - press the button again Now tap the button until 7 appears After a couple of seconds, the true engine temperature will be displayed To remember this, I think of Star Wars - 1977.

You are looking at a FULLY OPERATIONAL Rover 75.  Insurance, tax, £240 of new tyres, £5 worth of car wash and it was good to go.  It is so lovely and smooth... multi-cylinder petrol engines will be extinct before long and it's going to be a shame.

The thermostat housing on a Rover KV6 motor is made of plastic; it's then plopped (along with a couple of associated pipes) right in the centre of the engine vee where it can get nicely toasted. These parts appear quite acceptable for the overflow plumbing of a toilet cistern, but certainly do not seem suitable as critical components in the cooling circuit of a complex engine.  I'm sure there's a good reason this material was chosen... I'm guessing it's because chocolate wouldn't last out the warranty period. Predictably, after a while the housing starts to leak.  For the past couple of weeks I've been attempting to replace those parts, WITHOUT dismantling half the engine to reach them.  After much grief, swearing, cut fingers and the use of BBQ tongs, it's fixed.  There was a point where I was ready to raffle it off on Autoshite (£1 a go), but persistence paid off.  The super Pela fluid extractor pump I got for my birthday really earned it's kee...

The cast came off today, I'm free!  Managed 21 miles (including hitting 70K on the VFR), but the last 5 miles was pretty painful on my wrist.  Went out again in the evening and managed 30 miles before it needed a rest.  Feeling very 'blunt' though. I cannot begin to describe the wondrous sensation of scrubbing my freshly-released arm with a pan-scourer and some detergent... it was almost worth breaking a bone for.  The doc said it will need 2 to 3 weeks before it was back to normal, and I should avoid heavy manual work.

I've been on my holidays in exotic NORTH YORKSHIRE.  It was bloody lovely and I'd like to have spent the entire Summer there, but alas have had to return to the penal colony of Hampshire. Sherpa van serving ice cream - is the beginning of gentrification for the humble Sherpa?  I first came to York museum in a Sherpa minibus in 1979, which delivered me to this very spot.   Sinister spark-plug man at Beamish open air museum. Deltic at NYMR.  I'm not a train geek or 'owt but I admire the engineering of these. The view from our cottage, Roseberry Topping in the background.  On one very still day the turbines stopped, and it was slightly disturbing - they reminded me of dead Tripods.

I'm only plastered to the elbow now, and it should be coming off altogether at the end of August.  It's had a big effect on my life though, there are so many things I struggle to do now.  Obviously no driving or riding bikes - I've only been out of the house a couple of times for hospital appointments. I've been able to work from home but it's been frustrating typing and using a mouse with a single left hand.  It's not been all bad though, I've spent much more time with the Mrs and the pace of life seems to have slowed considerably. Bored of watching TV, this morning I started working on Roger.  The bent bar-end eventually came off with some persuasion from a hammer, and apart from the brake lever all it needs is some cosmetic work.  It even started first time. Camera mount is toast. Odiham had banned cameras, which is just as well else that would have been wrecked too.  Side panel took most of the damage but will repair.

Track day at RAF Odiham! Roger running well, I'm pushing him hard with my usual ham-fisted technique and ignoring the squirming rear tyre. Accelerating hard out of a corner, I give it too many beans and lowside it.   After 6 hours in A&E it turns out I've broken my radius bone (right forearm) at both the wrist and elbow, so I'm plastered to the shoulder.  Roger has come off much better - it only needs a brake lever to be made operational.  Lots of fairing damage but I'll just fill that and slap some more paint on. Leathers are wrecked (almost holed on the shoulder and arse), gloves ripped.  I've got an imprint of the brake pedal in my calf, a cut finger, and a bruised face but DO NOT PANIC - I'm still beautiful.

Chris and I collected the Aprilia this morning, from deepest Essex.  It's clearly suffered much abuse and neglect but it should be recoverable, and with up to 10BHP (once tweaked), should annihilate any Chinese twist-n-goes at the mopedathon.  It's in Chris's workshop at the moment, battery has already been declared DOA and we're expecting the engine to be toast too - but a new piston and barrel is only £40 from tatBay.

Fixed the Saab - had to replace the oil pressure regulator assembly as the thread was stripped where the drain from the turbo attached (somebody had bodged it in the past).  It wasn't particularly difficult but I'm paranoid about it dumping a load of oil now.  Seems OK, but can't be sure it's not leaking elsewhere.  I don't like that car Fixed the CBR too!  Used some gasket sealant on the cam cover this time, and so far so good.  I'm keeping it road-legal for another year as it only cost £68 to insure, saves wasting time at track days trying to solve problems. KTM has had a new battery and is providing rapid commuting fun.  Piss-poor tank range is annoying me though, twice this week I've been riding on fumes.

I am the proud part-owner of this Aprilia RS50... well, what remains of it.  It appears to have been crashed, then left for dead for 3 years or more so some reassembly will be required.  It's for the OMCC charity mopedathon in October, a 6-hour endurance event which Team Lard is entering. I've been pretty fed up with other vehicles in the fleet.  Roger the CBR won't stop leaking from the cam cover gasket - I've tried 3 times to seal it now, and each time I end up with a load of hot oil on my boot.  I also tried to fix an oil leak on the Saab, with hilarious* results.  It's leaking at the turbo oil drain, so I replaced the copper washers, started it up, checked for leaks... and it had already dumped about a litre of oil on the pavement and road.  That took almost 3 hours to clean up, and it's still broken. Finally, the battery failed on the KTM on the same day.  Despite getting a push from 3 people, it couldn't be bump started and I had to push th...

The CBR has been spaffing oil from the top of the engine recently.  I've got a theory it's the cam cover gasket that's failed and is allowing oil into the spark plug wells, which then drains out just below the exhaust ports.  Either that or it's the head gasket.  So it's time to rip the bike apart again. That's a lot of pipework, and there are valves and stuff too.  It all looks very complicated and I don't understand it, so I'll just put it all back as before and trust that the Honda folks knew what they were doing.

After ignoring it for at least 4 years, I broke out the T-Cut today: Now that I've made it beautiful and summer is here... it's going into hibernation. In other news, the KTM is back with the dealer having a failed exhaust o-ring replaced.  It had reached truly unsociable levels of noise... but blimey it was a good noise!

Track day for Team Lard at Silverstone yesterday, on the full GP circuit.  Bert was in attendance, his first time out in his new clothes: Roger, Bert and official race transporters hanging around outside toilets: Silverstone is a fantastically smooth and sweeping track, it's an absolute delight.  It is a power circuit though and more grunt would have been welcome on the straights, but the little CBR handles so sweetly it's a fair trade-off.   Short video of a couple of laps below.  It's a big battle with little bikes in the harmless world of Group 1... then bigger boys barge in and show us up :( This was a Focused Events Chrono day, meaning each bike had a transponder so could be put in the correct group - unfortunately somebody made an error setting them up and all the data was useless, so it was purely random where you ended up.  It's a wide track though so no real problem.

I didn't buy ABC's 'Lexicon of Love' when it came out in 1982 - I liked it but was too busy wasting my pocket money on 'cool' shite like The Cure.  But I've found redemption by buying the Lexicon of Love II on it's release date, and it's excellent.  It makes me wonder what Martin Fry has been doing all these years if he's had stuff of this quality inside him? In motorbike news, I've massively improved the CBR600's brake performance by freeing-off and washing out the disk bobbins with brake cleaner (I found a YouTube video on it).  I was sure they were warped as they'd pulse the lever even under light pressure, but they're perfect now!  I gave the calipers and pistons a good clean too and the brakes are better than ever.  They're still not going to take your breath away, but they're more than adequate for the level of go it has. Sticky throttle cables and imprecise gearchange still need sorting.

So I've had the Duke a week now, and I can tell you this thing loves it's dinner - it's been averaging 36 MPG.  Combined with a small tank, this means the fuel light is coming on every 80-odd miles! That's my only gripe though, it's stonking good fun and the instantly available torque makes it the fastest A-to-B bike I've had - it can find overtakes where the ZZR couldn't.  The impressive brakes and suspension means it can stop much more quickly and confidently than the Z too. Of course the Z would eat it alive on a straight bit of road, and high-speed cruising is not a strong point - it's very tiring much beyond 80.  So far it's the BESTEST BIKE IN THE WORLD though (until I fall out of love with it, as I always do).

You had to be there to appreciate the significance of this ICL mug, which I bought from eBay this week.  These were mainframes that chomped through £70K of electricity every year, yet had less processing power and storage than a modern smartphone.

I had a day off today, so rather than waste it watching Rainbow episodes on YouTube I popped out and traded the ZZR1400 for a KTM Superduke 990, as you do. I wanted a change from inline 4s so the shortlist was a Speed Triple (failed to move me sufficiently), Aprilia Tuono (my insurer didn't like the naughty exhaust), or a Duke. I did find a bright orange Duke but that dealer wasn't interested in taking on the Z, so I had to settle for black. I don't like black! It is in lovely original condition though, and has low miles.  It's actually powered by a nest of extremely angry wasps, I didn't realise that, yet somehow guzzles petrol faster than my V6 Rover. Instruments look like they came with a Happy Meal, but I love this thing, it's massively entertaining to hoon about on.  The loud rorty engine is the first thing you notice of course, but it's the extraordinary suspension that's most impressed me so far.

Roger's going to Silverstone next month, so there's been weeks of prep necessary - to fix the towcar. The Berlingo wants an MOT so I've had to replace a driveshaft gaiter, track-rod end, bottom ball joint, cambelt and pulleys, waterpump, drive belt, engine mount, exhaust manifold, a brand new wheel, and once I finally got it back together the engine warning light came on... it was as if it didn't want to live anymore. After much faff I got my OBD doohicky connected and cleared the codes (was low-pressure in the fuel injection system, probably as it's been idle for months), just needs a couple of tyres and it should be good. Roger prep has consisted of re-fixing the front mudguard.  Thinking about changing his face: