Eunos Chump

The driver's door has dropped, and as it's not possible to replace the hinge pins I bought a set of genuine Mazda replacements. Unfortunately my upper hinge had an extra bolt, so I had to drill a suitable hole then give it another coat of paint. As it's so cold at the moment there was no chance of the paint drying before dusk so I couldn't finish the job. Getting the door off was easy, with the wiring plug being the only fiddly bit. You have to prise off the rubber gaiter on the body, then pull out the plug hidden in the pillar. Tomorrow I'll have to refit it and re-align the door, using ample amounts of filthy language as lubricant.

Xmas facts: 12 hours+ spent assembling Lego kits (and this despite my Lego skill rating being  Jedi ) 1 day spent being ill, following a day of crisps, fizzy pop and '80s movies that I thought were-good-at-the-time-but-now-appear-to-be-smaltzy-trash ( Big  and  Crocodile Dundee ) Xmas presents: Big jar of chutney Set of MX5 door mirrors, door hinges, and service items I bought one of the above myself, can you guess which?  There was supposed to be a new hood and a couple of other little bits coming from a wrecked car, but the guy wasn't around when I went to collect them at the agreed time.  And this was in CAMBRIDGE, 175 miles from Chump HQ!  I'd spent the day at Duxford air museum with mini-Chump and sibling-Chumps though, so it was no big deal.  It was excellent, apart from having to pay £14 for 2 plates of cold, horrid sausage and chips in an unheated restaurant.  British catering, best in the world! Then we spent 2 hours sitting on the closed M11 on the way home.  We ...

I made this, I don't know what to do with it but I liked it at the time. Don't bother praying though, I'm bugger all use in any kind of situation. Unless you've got a requirement for lots of cake and crisps to be disposed of, I'm not your man.

This is an important subject that I've neglected to tackle previously, but I'm putting that right today. In reverse order: 4: Betty Rubble Pros: tolerates stupid men, and will have your dinner ready when you get home Cons: unlike the less attractive Thelma, doesn't appear to go for fat oafs. Will abuse your credit card 3: Tinkerbell Pros: can make your dinner appear instantly using magic Cons: homicidal jealousy 2: Marge Simpson Pros: clockwork dinner provision Cons: extremely promiscuous, judging by the results of Google Images with Safe Search switched off 1: Kim Possible Pros: Slightly better at keeping her clothes on than Marge, it seems Cons: may put the security of the nation ahead of your need for dinner on the table when you get home

I'm able to shuffle about with just a stick now, House style.  This means I can be brilliant, yet grumpy and eccentric, and talk with a pretend accent (I have chosen Wisbech).  This is going to mean changes at work tomorrow, because I'm going to need a team of brilliant, good-looking assistants now (so that discounts all my current colleagues).  There should also be some kind of sexual tension between them (and that definitely rules out the current lot, it makes me ill to think of them admiring each other's trousers).  I shall spend the entire week working on a single problem with my brilliant team, and they'll come up with many brilliant suggestions, but in the end I'll find the problem because I'm just that bit more brilliant and eccentric.  It'll turn out to be a incorrect subnet mask, or a duplex mis-match, because that's as exciting as it gets in IT, unfortunately. The AMF Venner, the despotic central heating controller that's been tormenting t...

Well, the plaster finally came off on Thursday, but I hardly recognised what lay beneath.  Doesn't seem to work very well yet either, though I can struggle around with a single crutch, and can navigate stairs in a more dignified manner. Today I've managed to clear out the garage (thanks to much help from Mrs B), put the MX5 away (I can operate a clutch now!), and even went for a little ride up the road on my bike.  I've just hurt my leg climbing into the bath (another first for 2 months), hopefully it's just a bit stretched rather than damaged though... I hope.

It's plaster number 3, in a jaunty shade of purple, and it's gone in 9 days time.  I've booked a couple of days leave to catch up on all my hobbies, which are of course running marathons, tap dancing, and kick boxing.

Bikes!  I want a motorbike.  I've previously had zero interest in 2 wheeled stuff, but having my leg in plaster all these weeks has made me consider the things I've not done yet, especially as (in Jean-Luc Picard's word's) there may be fewer days ahead than behind .  Possibly considerably less if I'm on a bike, though.  It's going to be a long time before I can even do my CBT, but in the meantime I can fantasise about the Yamaha XVS125 above, which I suspect is the motorbike equivalent of one of those Nissan Micras made to look like a Mk2 Jaguar.  As I have no bike knowledge whatsoever, I can live in blissful ignorance of my possibly hugely uncool taste. I've also acquired some goodies this weekend, including a free welder, lots of tools and a Tivo - thanks Mr P!  Mr P has decided to dedicate his remaining years to missionary work in the colonies, bravely attempting to teach the barbarian tribes of the Americas good manners, taste and wisdom.  Good luck wit...

This autumn, the fashionable crippled gentleman will sport a fetching red plaster, because blue is just so summer 2008, isn't it?  That's right, RUBBISH.  I had a little go at moving my foot whilst the plaster was off, and it works!  It was like a rusty old gate but it proves it's healing and I won't need an operation.  Apart from that... have done nothing.   I've decided to fit 1.8 injectors and an intercooler to the MX5 over the winter.  There's a bit of a gap in the market for intercooler kits for the Greddy turbo, so with a bit of welding experience I may be able to fix that.

Hospital again today, this time for a biopsy for an issue completely unrelated to my knackered leg.  This involved chopping out a chunk inside my cheek and then stitching it up, and it's bloody painful!  Good job I had a big lunch at the pub before going (what a fantastic excuse for binging).  Hungry again now, but I can only eat soft things... like the fresh cream scone in the fridge.   Had a new tyre put on the Benz, which cost much less than a tank of petrol.  That doesn't seem right.   

I changed the oil on Mrs B's motor today, AND I've been out driving again.  How'd you like that, Normals?  Apart from that it's been a bit of a frustrating weekend, it was perfect tinkering weather.  Getting quite worried about my mental condition now; I've watched X-Factor and Strictly Ballroom over the weekend... willingly.  What's to become of me?

I rarely get any pain from the leg now, and I'm a lot more capable on my sticks, so I'm returning to the land of the living on Thursday - I'm going into work.  Chipperometer sits at 7 out of 10.  I have not discovered any new talents, hobbies, etc, I've just done all the normal things I do, at a considerably slower pace.  How dull.

It's almost 7 days to the exact minute as I write this, and the Chipperometer has fallen to 5 out of 10.  I've been feeling generally ill the past couple of days, and a bit short tempered.  I tried reading my Cisco training manual but fell asleep after a few pages... I did go out (for a hop around Toys'r'Us), but was completely knackered after about 10 mins.

I'm starting to think of my crutches almost as new limbs.  They don't have names yet, but as my cabin fever grows worse, I'm sure that situation will change.  I have sticky-taped a Xmas tree light bulb to the back of my neck, to prevent them taking over my mind.  I got the idea from a film, I can't remember how it ended but my sticks tell me it all went swimmingly.

OK, not exactly crippling pain but it does get pretty sore at times.  I went for a hobble up the road on my sticks this afternoon to get some exercise,  I need to build upper body strength and get my right leg used to the extra load.  The cuts on my hand have now healed so at least I don't keep opening them up everytime I need to hop about. Still about 9 out of 10 on the chipperometer, despite receiving free tickets for Silverstone next weekend (cheers Rob!), which I obviously can't attend now.  I can't go to the MX5 National Rally tomorrow either (but that would have involved 5-6 hours driving in that noisy skateboard anyway). Days seem very long now, it's as if an extra 4 hours have been inserted somewhere between 10am and 8pm.  I've been resisting the temptation to return to World of Warcraft... but I'm weakening... like heroin, it promises the sanctuary of oblivion,  but at the bargain price of only £15 a month.  The neighbours brought me a basket of fruit y...

I'd like it known that I have a survived a horrible, firey accident, with just a ruptured achilles tendon.  I would like  that, but the actual reality is rather different: Discover high-tech device that secures the wastegate actuator (a paperclip) has failed. Fit new paperclip, take car for furious 20 mile test drive. Park car outside house, apply handbrake, exit car. Mrs B notices car is rolling down the road on a Herbie-style adventure. I set off in pursuit, somehow ending up in collision with ground.  Ankle no longer functions, pain. Car collides with neighbour's Astra, smashing rear light cluster. Neighbour upset (same bloke who's fence I damaged with Mr's B B'ingo last year), but his car undamaged. Go to A&E department at 11pm, leave at 3:30am with leg in plaster. What happened with the handbrake?  I suspect as the blazing hot rear discs cooled, it became ineffective.  There's no chance of me investigating anytime soon though. I'm on crutches for 8 ...

Was on holiday again last week, in south western Wales. Temperatures were hitting almost 16 degrees at times, and for 10 minutes on Thursday I saw the sun. I was so moved I took a photo (above). That's Oakwood theme park, it's OK but it ain't Alton Towers. Russ is Jedi now, we went to see The Clone Wars and it was quite good. Quite good if you like the animated Batman series, or Pokemon, or any other trashy kids TV. Russ's lightsabre cost £4.50 from Oakwood, and was made in China. Like the film it's rubbish, but fun. Look! It's Torchwood! We spent an afternoon at Cardiff bay, despite the serious risk of John Barrowman appearing out of the ground and snogging me. He is very good looking though... I don't know... might have been up for it :) There's a Dr Who Exhibition there, but it's considerably less impressive than it looks on the website. There's some good stuff on show, but it's all static and quite small. Wow, it's Sausages the D...

We've been to the Lake District, and stayed in this fantastic lodge. It made our house look like a PIGSTY and inspired a new catchphrase which we used all week - "You're not at home now!" The boy and me hired a motor boat on Coniston Water, I let him drive because I was on holiday goddammit! I spooked him out with tales about skellington Donald Campbell abducting people from boats. No holiday is complete without a ride on a steam train. I can't remember where this was, but it did involve a long drive over a mountain. Odd weather in the Lakes; 1 minute you're getting sunburn, 10 minutes later you're fog-bound. That was last week. This week it was Mrs B's 40th birthday, and our wedding anniversary. Unusually I was prepared for this and had arranged a surprise stay in an extremely fancy hotel a few miles out of Stratford-upon-Avon (after offloading Monkeyboy onto our neighbours for the night). Check it out! We had the Victorian Garden suite, which comp...

It has cost £240 to have the aircon fault on the not-so-Mighty Benz diagnosed... it needs £400 of condenser. I rather lost my rag over this and decided there and then to get rid of it, and within hours Mr Bill arrived, ready to take it away (for he loves the slushbox). In the meantime I'd cleaned it inside and out, and driven it a little, and realised I couldn't let it go for the measly amount it's worth... sorry, Mr Bill. Perhaps I'll regret this next time something expensive breaks, but I can't find anything to replace it! I considered a Saab 93, but that's just a fancy Cavalier, isn't it? BMW? Same issues as a Benz. 1964 Daimler 250? Ooooh yes, but 17mpg with a 72 mile daily commute? No, perhaps not.

...but fixed once more. On the way to Goodwood I noticed a rasp from the exhaust manifold AGAIN, and this time one of the studs for the turbo had sheared off. I dumped it back on the drive and ignored it for a couple of days, thoroughly bored of these constant problems. I couldn't get the stud out but Mrs B took it to my new favourite garage (I don't even know it's name but it's underneath the Basingstoke snooker hall), and they did it for £5. I suspect she received an 'ample bosom' discount - I had to cough up £20 to get an 02 bung welded onto the exhaust. It's all back together now, and I even fitted a new cam cover gasket too because it's been leaking all over the drive like a B***ARD! Off to see Adrian in Bristol at the weekend, which may result in me bringing home a Hillman Imp with rusted sills. I just happen to be starting a welding course in September, how very convenient!

Russ and I had an excellent time at the Festival of Speed yesterday, despite the Mazda giving up 1 minute into the journey... the mighty Taxi was quickly brought into action though so no time was lost. There's a special feeling at the festival. Not only can you get up close to some truly historic kit, but these priceless machines are then thrashed up the hill in a senseless display of noisy, wheel spinning, fuel-wasting excess. It's fantastic! Look, dragsters too! These were next to an exhibition of future car technology, and it was all sickening battery-powered eco tat. I had to get out of there quick, before I was invited to have a go on the green-driving simulator. It made me feel DIRTY. There were a number of F1 cars, but none of them current. They no longer race up the hill, instead they just have fun lighting up the tyres and driving them on the rev limiters - health & safety perhaps? Those bales don't look like they'll stop much, do they? The Wacky Racers w...

I've had a lot of irritating little problems develop over the weekend; the air filter banging on the bulkhead, the handbrake becoming totally ineffective again, a raspy exhaust leak and worst of all, lumpy running at speed. The latter scared me, especially as this was the first time I'd driven the car hard in hot weather with the boost turned up, so I pulled the timing back 4 degrees. Didn't help, car felt worse, poor idle too. Today I decided to put the timing back, and discovered not only that I'd forgotten to take the bridging wire out of the diagnostic socket when setting the timing yesterday (which buggered up the idle), but one of my fancy aerotight nuts on the turbo was loose - hence the raspy noise and poor running! I fixed the other problems too, and once more it's back to 100% operational. How long this lasts is anyone's guess. I went out for a test run on my favourite bendy road later... the understeer monkey has gone now, but Papa Oversteer almost ma...

Went to Wheels-in-Motion in Chesham today for a 4-wheel alignment. He has a very impressive £30K computerised machine for doing this, with IR cameras on long arms; it looked not unlike something from a Terminator film. And he really knows his stuff, this is a million miles from Kwik-Fit. My suspension was so far out it was funny! I went for a fast-road setup with zero understeer, and he warned me to be careful at first because it would feel like a different car. And he wasn't wrong. I cannot believe the difference! I knew it wasn't right beforehand, but now it's just... delicious . £99 well spent. Naturally, other problems have appeared. The battery has broken free, and dented the inside of the quarter panel. There is an exhaust leak somewhere, giving an annoying little rasp. The air filter is banging against the wiper motor. The handbrake is bugger-all use again. Will I have time to fix all of this, the squeaky brakes on Billy Berlingo and watch Lewis Hamilto...

The new manifold turned up a week after I ordered it, not bad seeing as it came from Canada. So far I've not been asked to pay any duty either, bonus! It didn't come with studs and none could be found locally, so long bolts with the heads cut off had to do. I've used aerotight nuts this time, which are all-steel locking nuts that are unaffected by heat. They won't be working loose, I'm sure. It all fitted together easily enough, and now not only is it much quieter, my old friend reasonable-fuel-consumption has returned. No loss of power, but no gain either (the manifold is claimed to have better flow).

I'm a big boy now, with a big boy toy box. I got it from Machine Mart in Portsmouth, which is like Toys'r'us for blokes with a taste for spannering. There wasn't 1 awesome compressor...there were 12! The combo above was £175 and is big enough to hold the motley collection of tools I've amassed over the past 20 years, I spent a really enjoyable couple of hours filling it up. I ignored the 2 cars outside which are overdue a service. I've taken this photo with the fancy new camera I boought today, so Russ has adopted my old 2MP Fuji. I will now feel guilty about this level of wild spending for the next 6 months. I did turn up the boost on the Mazda, but ran into some knock and backed it off again immediately. I'm still running a little more than previously, but my seat-of-the-pants dyno estimates it at less than 10bhp extra. I also gave up trying to fix the cracked exhaust manifold, and ordered a new one from ETD Racing. Life it too short...

1: Watching Lewis Hamilton throwing it away again around some race track. 2: Sawing relief cuts into a cast-iron Greddy exhaust manifold, with a junior hacksaw. 3: Bolting said manifold onto car and watching it crack again very shortly afterwards. The Fireseal only held for a matter of hours... I may try one final attempt at bodging it before giving up and buying a new one from the US (only $40 shipping, apparently). Strangely, the car was noticeably slower minus the crack, I only started to suspect something was up when it started going quickity-quick again. I've been doing some data loggging with the LC-1 too, I reckon there's headroom for a touch more boost. I've found an immediate advantage by removing the foam air filter from the HKS and securing a pair of tights (yoinked from Mrs B's drawer) over the top instead! It's clean to 7000rpm now, previously it would go off a bit around 6200. I am the flying panty thief!

Check out the cracks on that manifold! There's one on each side of the flange, and you can see daylight through them. You can also see where it was welded a few months back. I've now applied the Fireseal, it's a nice metallic filler substance and easy to apply to both sides of the cracks, it should be ready to reinstall tomorrow. Dare I make the relief cuts though? If I don't it's likely to crack again, if I do it may disintegrate. Making do and ordering a better replacement from ETD Racing might be the best solution. I've also fitted the Innovate LC-1. The hardest part was finding somebody willing to weld the new 02 sensor bung onto the frontpipe, none of the big exhaust fitting places could do it. Eventually I was directed to a small place underneath a snooker hall where it was done while I waited. If you're reading this for some ideas on how to fit an LC-1 to a MX5, this is how I've done it: The 02 sensor is fitted at the end of the frontpipe...

Mr DB welded it up for me before it was fitted, but I noticed a raspy noise coming from the area and yes, the exhaust manifold has cracked again. I'm going to attempt a fix with Fire Seal this weekend, and I'm going to use the opportunity to fit the LC-1 wideband 02 sensor that arrived the other day. I've decided to go for a basic Megasquirt rather than the PnP one, it's vastly cheaper and I'll be able to learn more along the way. All the tyres are wearing on their inside edges, I need to find some time to get to Wheels-in-Motion! I think these will become my track wheels, though I'm still to scared too thrash it around a track for fear it'll explode.

Russ and I went to see Indiana Jones yesterday. I liked it a lot, but Russ said it "didn't make much sense" and was "a bit silly". What does that say about me? And what does it say about the future prospects of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas if 6-year-olds (who watch a lot of Scooby Doo) think their films are daft? On the motors front, the Mazda continues to run well though it's horrible thirst is starting to hurt. The Benz has gone to Keylink to have the aircon repaired. Billy Berlingo suffered a broken gear linkage when I just happened to be driving it, which required a 12 mile ride home stuck in 5th gear. A new link rod at £25 fixed that though, and this one looks stronger so perhaps it was just another Frog design fault. I'm thinking about getting a Smart again... imagine 55mpg! Once the holiday season is over (and the need for aircon gone) I might chuck in the Benz for one. It has to be worth a least 2 bottle tops and a button.

See him? I met him today, in Gloucester. He drove his depressingly mediocre Ford into the shapely rear of the Mazda at a roundabout. I could see he was on a collision course but as the only alternative to getting bum-raped by Kermit was driving into the path of a lorry, I took the former. However, the only damage was a split bumper on his car so it was all good in the end. I've got an Innovate LC-1 coming shortly, another 2nd hand bargain (I hope). I won't be able to do a lot with it at first, should be interesting to see just how damn rich it's running though.

Russ and I went to the MX5 Owners Club Spring Rally on Sunday, at the Haynes motor museum in Somerset. I'm not actually a member but they were still giving all MX5 owners discounted museum admission, which came in useful in the cafe (I had to pay £3 for 2 mangy cakes). Good trip down there, with much sun and dawdling MX5s to blow away... I only drive at 70mph on dual carriageways when the snow is more than 6" deep :) MX5 Parts were there but not with the huge discount offered at the National Rally, so I only bought a windblocker . With the windows up it's quite cosy in there now, it's only a mesh screen but gives the impression of the bullet-proof shield on 007's Aston. I'd have had a new steering wheel too but they hadn't bought any with them! Here's Russ with his favourite vehicle of the day... he then spent the next couple of hours crazing me for a toy tank, until I gave in. Good job I saved £39 on that windblocker.

Whatever I did, I could not get that split hose to seal. In the end it was wrapped in multiple layers of duct tape with cable ties in between, but the heat and pressure had it leaking as soon as the turbine started spooling. Thankfully I got a replacement from a local breaker at just £10, and I've cable-tied the accordian section this time to prevent it ballooning. It's the MX5OC Spring Rally tomorrow so I've cleaned the car inside and out. Discovered a large pool of coolant under the mat in the passenger footwell... I'm hoping it's escaped past the heater matrix hose which was a bit mangled, I've put a proper jubilee clip on this now so if it's not, it's dashboard-out time.

After a long high-speed run last weekend, the 5 developed a chronic misfire which I initially put down to fried plug leads. I had to adjust the throttle to give a F1-style idle speed but managed to drive it the remaining 70 miles home, even with food poisoning (I know it was your mushrooms, Holiday Inn). The car has been off the road all week (missing the heatwave) and it turned out the fault was due to a big hole in the crossover intake trunking (see above). It was hidden from view and I only found it after taking all the trunking off to inspect it (thanks to Rugger and my brother for guessing it was an induction leak). Trouble is, I can't seal it again! First I tried electricians tape, then duct tape, then layers of duct tape and velcro straps, but all of them give way under full boost. I'm advertising for a replacement now, I know I should fix it properly but that means an intercooler and I don't have the time at the moment. I've set the Konis to 1-turn from ma...

The 5 has covered a lot of miles over the weekend, but thankfully it was all work-related so worth 40p a mile. With the crazy fuel consumption and requirement for super-unleaded, that's still almost 50% profit. It would be a killer if I was running a new or nearly-new car though, like most of my colleagues - they need to be persuaded that old modified Japanese cars are the way forward! The turbo has been working loose again, it eventually shrugged off the double-nuts. I need to find a proper solution for this, it's annoying having to tighten it every other day. Perhaps old modified Japanese cars are not the way forward after all? I thought I was on for some Renault 11 ownership this week, there was a sound 41K, 1 old lady owner '83 GTL on the 'Bay going for a few hundred quid. Unfortunately another Autoshiter beat me to it, but I'm keeping my eyes open. I'm holding off on buying the Megasquirt for now, I may try to extract the final 50BHP from the Mazda o...

That's a broken Citroen Berlingo window regulator above, it decided to give up when I tried to close the window at the supermarket yesterday. Thankfully, the important primary mission (buying cream cakes) was unimpeded. That little wheel is made of brittle plastic and has been torn off by the cable, which seems to have become mangled. Trying to repair it is a waste of time so I've ordered a new one, which is not too bad at £100 which includes the motor. Not very impressive for a car with about 40K on it though, bloody French. I've bodged the window back in for the moment using masking tape and a roll of wallpaper (it just happened to fit), but it means Mrs B has had to take over the Benz and I've been in the Mazda. It's a bloody thirsty little car! Back to Mario Kart for me, yes, MARIO KART. It's awesome-ness remains unquestioned.